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- A man asked the subreddit “AmITheA——” whether he would be in the wrong to tell his daughter’s soon-to-be fiancé that she’s a diagnosed sociopath.
- He said she is clearly attracted to her boyfriend, but has said in the past she doesn’t feel emotions as other people do. She was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder at 18.
- Her boyfriend has no idea, and the father thinks he has a right to know.
- “I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this ‘secret’ from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge,” he said.
- People generally determined that he was “Not The A——,” but it was a tough call.
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A man turned to Reddit on Wednesday with a dilemma: Should he tell his daughter’s soon-to-be fiancé that she’s a diagnosed sociopath?
The father asked the subreddit “AmITheA——,” which helps people work out whether they are in the wrong or the right for their actions, if his daughter’s “very kind, funny, and intelligent” boyfriend should be in the know.
He said that regardless of the diagnosis he loves his daughter very much and they have a great relationship, but he doesn’t feel comfortable knowing his soon-to-be son in law has no idea who she really is.
“She exhibited odd, disturbing behavior at a young age, and after a serious incident of abuse towards her younger sister, I realized she needed professional help,” the man wrote.
“Throughout her elementary years she struggled heavily, getting in lots of trouble in school for lying, cruelty, and all other types of misbehaviors. With an enormous amount of therapy and support, her bad behavior was minimized as she grew older.”
Since her diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder at 18 years old, she has become law-abiding, has a decent job and education, and has many good friends, the man wrote. He added that she has plenty of male admirers, too, because she’s incredibly charming – a common trait of sociopaths.
“She currently has a boyfriend of about a year and a half who’s crazy about her, and who I have a very strong relationship with (we live in the same area and spend time together regularly),” the post went on. “He is a great guy, very kind, funny and intelligent.”
He added: “But I doubt she loves him.”
Apparently, the man and his daughter have always maintained an open dialogue about her mental health, and she has told him she doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, and finds it hard to feel things people normally do like guilt and grief.
“While she enjoys being around her boyfriend and is sexually attracted to him, I highly doubt she feels much of anything towards him love-wise,” the man wrote. “Her boyfriend (who might propose soon) has no idea about her diagnosis, and she’s been very upfront with me that she has no plans to ever tell him, thinking it’ll scare him away.”
He added that he thinks she should tell him the truth before they get married because he has a right to know. But because of her usual reaction being defensive, he thinks it’s unlikely she will follow through.
“I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this ‘secret’ from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge,” he said.
“I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future. Maybe her boyfriend’s love of her personality and other aspects is enough that it won’t end the relationship. It’s his decision to make; but he deserves all the facts. Someday he’s bound to find out she’s a bit ‘off’; it can’t be kept a secret forever.”
After some lengthy debates in the thousands of comments below, people reached the consensus that he was “NTA” or “Not The A——,” but it was a tough call.
“Wow. That’s the hardest AITA I’ve read in a long time,” one person wrote. “You’re ethically compromised either way. It’s probably best you stay out of it.”
Another said it was like a real-life example of “the trolley problem.“
“You can let the trolley run into him, or you can interfere and cause the trolley to run into her,” they said. “Not interfering is the consensus agreement in a 1v1 situation. Especially when you can’t know if the trolley is on track for him, but interfering will definitely turn the trolley towards her.”
One person said they had never read a post on the subreddit and not immediately known what was right.
“I feel for you,” they said. “I’m going to go with NTA no matter what you do because your heart is obviously in the right place.”
Overall, people were fairly in agreement that it all came down to the man’s intentions. As he seemed to want the best for everyone, people thought he wasn’t in the wrong for wanting to tell the prospective fiancé the truth.
But several people also pointed out that if he did go against his daughter’s wishes, he could be on the receiving end of a sociopath’s anger.
“Anger is merely a moment for people like your daughter and I,” said one person, who claimed to be a sociopath themselves. “Calm and calculated is what happens after the moment of anger … We are viscous robots who don’t care who we hurt in the process of getting to you, or how badly they’re hurt in the process of getting to you. There is only one goal, and you are that goal.”