- Chris Hondros / Getty
- Relationship coach Sami Wunder spoke to INSIDER about everything that’s wrong with modern dating, and how we can fix it.
- On the surface, some of her methods seem controversial – like telling her clients to date multiple men at once.
- However, she said her main goal is teaching women about their self worth, and how they shouldn’t feel like they need to impress the person they’re dating.
- If someone is right for you, they’ll respect your boundaries and love you regardless of everything else in your life.
- Ultimately it’s about loving yourself, and realizing that a healthy relationship is “a gift” on top of that, she said.
You used to have to go speed dating to have the opportunity of easily dating a lot of people at once. But with dating apps now being one of the most popular ways we meet each other, it’s a lot more common for us to date more than one person at a time.
Modern dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder – known as the “Get the Ring coach” – is a big fan of this, and calls it “rotational dating.”
“It can sound sleazy, it can sound awkward, and weird, for dignified women,” she told INSIDER. “But dating is not equal to sleeping with someone. This is really important to say because we immediately associate the two terms together.”
Wunder instead teaches her clients to hold off having sex because that’s when things can get complicated.
“That’s when our oxytocin kicks in, and that’s when chemistry kicks in, that’s when you ignore all the red flags, the birds fly and you just fall in love, versus really evaluating whether the person in front of you is fit for something stable and long term,” she said.
Wunder said this is just part of the way modern dating is harming us. With this in mind, she teaches her clients how to play the field, and attract the right kind of partner into their lives.
She told INSIDER there are seven other things we’re doing wrong in the modern pursuit of love.
1. We think we need to settle
Wunder works with successful, driven women, like herself. But when they reach out to her, they often don’t have the confidence in love like they do in their careers. Because of this, they can settle for a man just because they’ve shown interest.
Instead, you can date and get to know many men in what she calls “connection dates.”
“These are coffee dates, cinema dates, taking a walk in the park together,” she said. “It’s when you actually start to get to know the person you’re interacting with, versus this quick flash of chemistry of getting into the bed and ending up with heartbreak, and recreating this cycle of unaware relationships.”
You also shouldn’t feel like you owe anyone anything just because you’ve spent the evening with them, or they’ve spent a lot of money on dinner, Wunder said.
“That’s a pressure I think women build on themselves, that based on a dinner I have to sleep with them,” she said. “It’s a very wounded idea because suddenly you’re comparing a hundred dollars of dinner with sharing your sacred body with someone.”
2. We think we need to impress a date
It’s commonly believed that finding love takes hard work. Wunder said this is the same psychology we apply in our careers, but it’s misplaced when we’re dating.
“If you blindly apply that principle in dating and love you are going to end up in really unhealthy wounded relationships,” she said. “Because you are going to lead with trying to impress men, you are going to work hard for their validation, and it’s the complete opposite of a healthy self esteem, which doesn’t have to work hard to be liked.”
She said she teaches her clients not to look for external validation, and instead show up for a date like you have nothing to prove.
“It’s actually what is making these women end up in what I call ‘project love struggle,'” she said. “You are loved for who you are not what you do … You don’t achieve a man. You invite and attract a man into your life.”
This way, you’ll also find someone who doesn’t overstep your boundaries. Yes, some of your dates will disappear as a result of your needs, she said, but that’s because they’re not the right one for you.
- Maridav / Shutterstock
3. We aren’t aware of our energies
Wunder believes in masculine and feminine energies. This doesn’t mean what makes someone male and female, but instead she uses the words to describe polar opposite traits. For instance, she says masculine energy is more forceful, which means it helps you get ahead at work, while feminine energy should be channeled into your personal life.
“I think there’s something really amazing about a man who is in touch with his masculine and his feminine side,” Wunder said. “But if you want to be a strong and successful woman who can attract a man who has got his s— together, quite simply, you’ve got to lead with your feminine energy.”
Otherwise, she said, you’re only going to attract men who look to you to provide for them.
“And if you’re happy doing that, that’s good, but most women are not,” she said. “It’s very simple for an expert to see why that is happening – it’s because you have led the relationship with your masculine, and you have attracted someone who is more in their feminine and then they’re going to sit back while you do the work.”
4. We don’t know what we want
Wunder said she asks her clients what they want, and she caps their expectations at three. For example, if you really want your partner to be tall, that’s fine, but you shouldn’t have more than three non-negotiables, or your expectations start being unrealistic.
“You get to say I want a man with blue eyes, fine, you deserve it,” she said. “And then we have deal breakers, like if he smokes it’s a deal breaker. Or if he doesn’t want children and I want children it’s a deal breaker … This is where we get clarity on the client we are working with, what she wants, and really define the kind of relationship she wants to attract in her life.”
5. We’re held back by our beliefs
Wunder tells her clients they don’t need fixing, they need “stripping off.” Many women go to her for help because they think there’s something wrong with them, but really, there’s just a skills gap.
“There are all these things you have assumed and learned and started to believe,” she said. “It’s just a thought you repeat to yourself over and over again, and then it starts to feel like the truth of the world.”
For example, if you believe all men are intimidated by strong and successful women, then that’s exactly the kind of man you’ll keep attracting. Everyone has the capacity to learn how to love, she said, but it’s like exercising a muscle you forgot you had.
- Sami Wunder
6. We haven’t learned to love ourselves first …
Wunder works with a lot of women who think they need to give and give to feel worthy. She said the biggest turning point for them is when they realise they are enough on their own, that when they take away the career, the house, the car, and everything else, they are still valuable.
“A man doesn’t fall in love with you because you’ve led so many meetings, and been on TV, and travelled the world and can speak five languages,” Wunder said. “He falls in love with the girl inside of you, and your heart, and what makes you happy, what makes you cry, your essence as a human being.”
7. … Because you can’t love someone else until you do
Wunder has seen 124 of her clients get engaged over the past three years, but the ultimate goal isn’t just to get a ring on her clients’ fingers.
Instead, it’s about changing the narrative they’ve been telling themselves, that somewhere along the line they’ve given up on love. Telling ourselves we’re hopeless costs us so much in the long run, she said, which is why she prides herself on helping women “get in touch with their power and joy again.”
“If you don’t get the man in six months at least you get yourself back, and that’s a huge gift to give to yourself,” she said. “We’ve seen that the men are just bonus gifts. They come when you’ve embraced your whole life.”